I had been meaning to make this movie for a little girl named Jacey but didn't know how to do it.
Then yesterday while having a lunch with my dad he told me that he's been battling cancer. He said its the very same cancer and the same way that it started that just a few years ago became brain-cancer and then took my uncle, (my dad's older brother).
After that it became clear and I knew exactly how I would make this movie for a little girl named Jacey (and for my dad).
Bend, little willow
Wind's gonna blow you
Hard and cold tonight
Life, as it happens
Nobody warns you
Willow, hold on tight
Nothing's gonna shake your love
Take your love away
No one's out to break your heart
It only seems that way... hey
Sleep, little willow
Peace gonna follow
Time will heal your wounds
Grow to the heavens
Now and forever
Always came too soon
Little willow
Nothing's gonna shake your love
Take your love away
No one's out to break your heart
It only seems that way... hey
Bend, little willow
Wind's gonna blow you
Hard and cold tonight
Life, as it happens
Nobody warns you
Willow, hold on tight
Ah, little willow
Little willow
("Little WIllow"
McCartney 1997, Flaming Pie)
Friday, December 15, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
"what is the hardest part of being social?"
This is just another post of mine I'd been meaning to retrieve
From another forum thread, this one entitled
"what is the hardest part of being social?"
(start Forum Post)
When being around other people and being social I have three catatgories:
The first catagory is a list of things not to do that might hurt myself or others. This is the first and most important catagory that has to be kept when being social, it is absolutey important that this catagory of rules be followed at all times if I have to let go of getting things done in the second catagory to keep this one then I will. I rarely ever don't get this whole list kept. This is the most important one and I am very clear on what is on this list. Fortunately this is the smallest catagory too.
A few examples from this list:
no banging biting hairpulling
(this could be called the Very Obvious List, its a very clear one.)
The second catagory is a list of things that are not hurtful but also not to do because others can get very upset if you do them. This is a larger catagory and it sometimes still has to be updated and added to. Keeping to this list is harder than the first and I can't always keep all of these as well as the first catogory but I think I do most of it most of the time.
a few examples from this list:
no screaming picking scratching (screaming is Very Obvious but it goes on this list instead of the one above because it doesn't hurt others. More of these are Fairly Obvioius but not all of them.)
The third catagory is much harder and I never do get all of this list or anywhere near it because it is this impossible huge and always growing catagory. Also because my priorities are for the first two lists.
This is the Subtle Infinite List that is also not mostly consisting of don't it has quite a few do's, things that it is necessary to recall to act on and do. Timing for many of these is also very difficult to me. I do them too early or the other person is where they can't see when I start to do them too late.
a few examples from this list:
don't make faces, start then keep looking at a person's face when they are looking and talking until they are done, make a smile, don't fidget (the whole little stims don't do subcatagory goes here), etc to infinity.
This list contains more the Subtle and Less Obvious and I don't like to think about this list. Its hard to think about it sitting here in my apartment. I can think about it a little more when I am having to be social at that time.
To me being social is like driving a car (which I also can't do but at least nobody gets killed if you can't drive a conversation). There are completely too many things to try to keep track of and its exactly like looking ahead at the road ahead and trying to watch the spedomoter then look at the mirror on the side, pay attention to how much you are pressing on the gas look at the spedometer agian notice how far other cars are from uyou and if you are in the right place in your own lane and is there a turn and how far to start stopping and put the signal on and then you're not looking at the mirror or this other mirror and I can't even explain it there is just way too much going on trying to drive a car that I cannot possibly do all at once even if I had 16 eyes on my head I could not I cannnot coordinate all of that and being social and having a conversation with 99% of people (and ohboy if there is more than one of them at a time too) is just like that to me.
I prefer to be alone or to only go outside with my friend John (for other reasons besides social also) and sometimes for short things about greetings and so forth in some places I copy him because he is much better at these things and people seem to like him.
Droopy
(End Forum Post)
From another forum thread, this one entitled
"what is the hardest part of being social?"
(start Forum Post)
When being around other people and being social I have three catatgories:
The first catagory is a list of things not to do that might hurt myself or others. This is the first and most important catagory that has to be kept when being social, it is absolutey important that this catagory of rules be followed at all times if I have to let go of getting things done in the second catagory to keep this one then I will. I rarely ever don't get this whole list kept. This is the most important one and I am very clear on what is on this list. Fortunately this is the smallest catagory too.
A few examples from this list:
no banging biting hairpulling
(this could be called the Very Obvious List, its a very clear one.)
The second catagory is a list of things that are not hurtful but also not to do because others can get very upset if you do them. This is a larger catagory and it sometimes still has to be updated and added to. Keeping to this list is harder than the first and I can't always keep all of these as well as the first catogory but I think I do most of it most of the time.
a few examples from this list:
no screaming picking scratching (screaming is Very Obvious but it goes on this list instead of the one above because it doesn't hurt others. More of these are Fairly Obvioius but not all of them.)
The third catagory is much harder and I never do get all of this list or anywhere near it because it is this impossible huge and always growing catagory. Also because my priorities are for the first two lists.
This is the Subtle Infinite List that is also not mostly consisting of don't it has quite a few do's, things that it is necessary to recall to act on and do. Timing for many of these is also very difficult to me. I do them too early or the other person is where they can't see when I start to do them too late.
a few examples from this list:
don't make faces, start then keep looking at a person's face when they are looking and talking until they are done, make a smile, don't fidget (the whole little stims don't do subcatagory goes here), etc to infinity.
This list contains more the Subtle and Less Obvious and I don't like to think about this list. Its hard to think about it sitting here in my apartment. I can think about it a little more when I am having to be social at that time.
To me being social is like driving a car (which I also can't do but at least nobody gets killed if you can't drive a conversation). There are completely too many things to try to keep track of and its exactly like looking ahead at the road ahead and trying to watch the spedomoter then look at the mirror on the side, pay attention to how much you are pressing on the gas look at the spedometer agian notice how far other cars are from uyou and if you are in the right place in your own lane and is there a turn and how far to start stopping and put the signal on and then you're not looking at the mirror or this other mirror and I can't even explain it there is just way too much going on trying to drive a car that I cannot possibly do all at once even if I had 16 eyes on my head I could not I cannnot coordinate all of that and being social and having a conversation with 99% of people (and ohboy if there is more than one of them at a time too) is just like that to me.
I prefer to be alone or to only go outside with my friend John (for other reasons besides social also) and sometimes for short things about greetings and so forth in some places I copy him because he is much better at these things and people seem to like him.
Droopy
(End Forum Post)
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
"Making Bread"*
Here is yet another excerpt of yet another aspect of my life . This was posted on yet different forum than the previous one is from.
(Start of Post)
I started to type on a typewriter (and meangfully) for the first time when I was just short of 30 years old - the state of sped-up frenzy that was then that year I was 30 and then partially into being 31 (with barely any break in the acceleration even after that) of in approximately a 12 month period of going from a daily routine of going to a sheltered workshop, coming home to the grouphome and and live as a presumed mentally retarded person with an IQ around 20 to communicating, the treatment I received from others entirely changing, being bombarded with ADL (adult daily living) skills towards the goal of having my own apartment as soon as I expressed this desired goal, to attending a selective-admissions university, a second move then to this city and apartment I live in now.. there was so much that year I can't begin to think of it all in one setting.. I literally had at least several decades if not a lifetime packed into that year or so and at lightyear speed, this is as close as I can imagine this 'no dead time' experience as I can imagine a person could have. The result is it trigger a mental illness in me known as Bipolar disorder and hypo-manic/manic episodes. I know the current theory is that for a person to have a mental illness the disposition for it has to be inside of you waiting for something to set it off, to be the catalyst, well that was certainly it then.
While in that manic state of mind (which I was not aware of until afterwards, evidently a neuropsychiatrist who'd been my doctor since the regional center picked right up on it but neglected to tell me until after the fact, I doubt it would have made any difference anyway, people had said I'd had a miracle and was having 'miracle after miracle' and yet another movie I heard "you are just like" is one named "Rudy" although the character in that movie isn't autistic) and I believed all that miracle stuff to the point I think if anyone had said "excuse me but you are having a mental illness and that's why you can do all these amazing things" (like the academia and such that I am convinced I am not capable of in a normal state of mind) I wouldn't have believed it, I 'was having miracles, dammit' on a sort of preordained mission from God or something there, or so I thought (and raging deadly homocidally furious the whole time, due to the certain very traumatic thing that happened at the sheltered workshop that year that if any single event could be pointed to that 'set me off' that was it). I decided I was 'a genius' (and people saying that I was and supporting that belief and behaving as if 'genius' was a relevant and 'the end all be all' thing certainly fostered and supported this and wasn't helping matters) I verbally spoke an entire 'speech' at a dinner held for me as "Consumer of the Year' at the DRC, even if it was only a two sentence 'speech' that went like this: "We are in your schools, we are in your universities, and we are in your world, its our world too and we are here to stay. Thank you" (I was inspired to write this speech by the children's cartoon "Horton Hears a Who")
that's is by far the longest string of words I've ever vocalized in my entire life let alone understandably so... Yes it was me and I did them and even if during the throes of mental illness still pretty amazing stuff for me (made the dean's list, into all honors(accelerated/gifted) classes at the "honors college' on campus, membership to phi beta kappa (GPA based sorority) got accepted to even fancier schools I'd never attend but qualifed for (the University of Michigan being one that stands out in my mind), qualified for things like "Mensa' and the "Prometheus club" etc... I can look back and feel accomplished, yeah that was me that did that.. sort've.. a mentally ill me, but still me, purely adrenaline and rage powered (other people get adrenaline and lift vw's and toyotas off of loved ones, evidently I do mental feats I can't ordinarly, go figure) but I wouldn't want to do it again
I was about as miserable during my rage-fueled 'genius' experience as a person could possibly be.
I eventually 'bottomed out' in the form of literally one day waking up one morning and being if not exactly 'catatonic' then something extremely close to it, which started me into this other part of 'bipolar disorder' (and why its called that) a huge massive (and equally mentally ill and somewhat delusional at that end as well) depression. That part was so clearly 'not cool' and realy hurt and was the part that caused that doctor to finally happen to tell me (and with an added thrown in "I thought you knew".. well at depression's end I sure did anyway!) and that's how my major sped-up-adventure came to an end and I discovered what it had actually been and that I had this 'other thing' now (a bipolar disorder, which since then has been disputed by other doctors and counselor guys because there's been no other since of it since.. I kind of think I had some sort of one-trip deal there with it, I hope that's all of it I'll ever have) after quite some time balanced out to about where I am now.
I'm healthier and 'regressed a bit' in that I'm not capable of all that so much now (but I'm back to a level of *functioning* in another way that's more important and that is realistic for me, consistent, and powered by the real and healthy me), I don't regret that experience (namely because of all the little perks and pieces I still have that are my proof I'm "*really* not MR" which is all I was after in the end) and after its all said and done, past being able to just be satisfied and content to say if it comes up that just "I'm smart enough", but I wouldn't do it again, even if I could, that's for sure.
(End of Post)
PS, while attending the university I took no notes. I listened. I first tried taking notes by hand with a pen and paper the way most of the other students did, then I conceded to typing them fullsized keyboard communicator I had on loan (with the speech turned off obviously but was still told it was a 'distraction") and I did so simply because thats what the other students did (taking notes) as part of my huge drive to 'be just like them'
I missed much that way, the act of attempting to write where I simply cannot and then trying to type at the same time as listen left me shorted, things missed and unheard. I finally fell back to what is natural to me and just sat and listened quietly, being nearly the only one (sans the occasional person with a minicassette recorder) in classrooms of about 30 and lecturehalls of about 500, amidst all the scurrying notetakers.
*The topic for this entry "Making Bread" and reference to 'crumbs' come from what I felt was a very apt analogy of recent events that given to me by an interested party (and used with permission).
(Start of Post)
I started to type on a typewriter (and meangfully) for the first time when I was just short of 30 years old - the state of sped-up frenzy that was then that year I was 30 and then partially into being 31 (with barely any break in the acceleration even after that) of in approximately a 12 month period of going from a daily routine of going to a sheltered workshop, coming home to the grouphome and and live as a presumed mentally retarded person with an IQ around 20 to communicating, the treatment I received from others entirely changing, being bombarded with ADL (adult daily living) skills towards the goal of having my own apartment as soon as I expressed this desired goal, to attending a selective-admissions university, a second move then to this city and apartment I live in now.. there was so much that year I can't begin to think of it all in one setting.. I literally had at least several decades if not a lifetime packed into that year or so and at lightyear speed, this is as close as I can imagine this 'no dead time' experience as I can imagine a person could have. The result is it trigger a mental illness in me known as Bipolar disorder and hypo-manic/manic episodes. I know the current theory is that for a person to have a mental illness the disposition for it has to be inside of you waiting for something to set it off, to be the catalyst, well that was certainly it then.
While in that manic state of mind (which I was not aware of until afterwards, evidently a neuropsychiatrist who'd been my doctor since the regional center picked right up on it but neglected to tell me until after the fact, I doubt it would have made any difference anyway, people had said I'd had a miracle and was having 'miracle after miracle' and yet another movie I heard "you are just like" is one named "Rudy" although the character in that movie isn't autistic) and I believed all that miracle stuff to the point I think if anyone had said "excuse me but you are having a mental illness and that's why you can do all these amazing things" (like the academia and such that I am convinced I am not capable of in a normal state of mind) I wouldn't have believed it, I 'was having miracles, dammit' on a sort of preordained mission from God or something there, or so I thought (and raging deadly homocidally furious the whole time, due to the certain very traumatic thing that happened at the sheltered workshop that year that if any single event could be pointed to that 'set me off' that was it). I decided I was 'a genius' (and people saying that I was and supporting that belief and behaving as if 'genius' was a relevant and 'the end all be all' thing certainly fostered and supported this and wasn't helping matters) I verbally spoke an entire 'speech' at a dinner held for me as "Consumer of the Year' at the DRC, even if it was only a two sentence 'speech' that went like this: "We are in your schools, we are in your universities, and we are in your world, its our world too and we are here to stay. Thank you" (I was inspired to write this speech by the children's cartoon "Horton Hears a Who")
that's is by far the longest string of words I've ever vocalized in my entire life let alone understandably so... Yes it was me and I did them and even if during the throes of mental illness still pretty amazing stuff for me (made the dean's list, into all honors(accelerated/gifted) classes at the "honors college' on campus, membership to phi beta kappa (GPA based sorority) got accepted to even fancier schools I'd never attend but qualifed for (the University of Michigan being one that stands out in my mind), qualified for things like "Mensa' and the "Prometheus club" etc... I can look back and feel accomplished, yeah that was me that did that.. sort've.. a mentally ill me, but still me, purely adrenaline and rage powered (other people get adrenaline and lift vw's and toyotas off of loved ones, evidently I do mental feats I can't ordinarly, go figure) but I wouldn't want to do it again
I was about as miserable during my rage-fueled 'genius' experience as a person could possibly be.
I eventually 'bottomed out' in the form of literally one day waking up one morning and being if not exactly 'catatonic' then something extremely close to it, which started me into this other part of 'bipolar disorder' (and why its called that) a huge massive (and equally mentally ill and somewhat delusional at that end as well) depression. That part was so clearly 'not cool' and realy hurt and was the part that caused that doctor to finally happen to tell me (and with an added thrown in "I thought you knew".. well at depression's end I sure did anyway!) and that's how my major sped-up-adventure came to an end and I discovered what it had actually been and that I had this 'other thing' now (a bipolar disorder, which since then has been disputed by other doctors and counselor guys because there's been no other since of it since.. I kind of think I had some sort of one-trip deal there with it, I hope that's all of it I'll ever have) after quite some time balanced out to about where I am now.
I'm healthier and 'regressed a bit' in that I'm not capable of all that so much now (but I'm back to a level of *functioning* in another way that's more important and that is realistic for me, consistent, and powered by the real and healthy me), I don't regret that experience (namely because of all the little perks and pieces I still have that are my proof I'm "*really* not MR" which is all I was after in the end) and after its all said and done, past being able to just be satisfied and content to say if it comes up that just "I'm smart enough", but I wouldn't do it again, even if I could, that's for sure.
(End of Post)
PS, while attending the university I took no notes. I listened. I first tried taking notes by hand with a pen and paper the way most of the other students did, then I conceded to typing them fullsized keyboard communicator I had on loan (with the speech turned off obviously but was still told it was a 'distraction") and I did so simply because thats what the other students did (taking notes) as part of my huge drive to 'be just like them'
I missed much that way, the act of attempting to write where I simply cannot and then trying to type at the same time as listen left me shorted, things missed and unheard. I finally fell back to what is natural to me and just sat and listened quietly, being nearly the only one (sans the occasional person with a minicassette recorder) in classrooms of about 30 and lecturehalls of about 500, amidst all the scurrying notetakers.
*The topic for this entry "Making Bread" and reference to 'crumbs' come from what I felt was a very apt analogy of recent events that given to me by an interested party (and used with permission).
Monday, December 04, 2006
"I've got a word or two.."
The following is an excerpt of my life.
Perhaps my best defense is to get my life right out here and as much as I can.
With that in mind, this was originally posted on an internet forum to which I belong.
(forum post start)
The Beatles (forum topic)
The Beatles are to me clearly the best group and creators of the best music of all time. They are also alot more than that to me.
For many years and most of my life they were the ONLY music in the world to me. I couldn't tolerate any other, any other music was an offense and an affront to me, the very worst being other people's 'cover versions' of any of The Beatles.'
I used to be very rigid and unbending about things regarding them, no one could put any non-Beatles things atop of any of my Beatles things (no other music albums or any other items could be placed over my albums or any of my Beatles' books etc) as I saw this as a huge insult to The Beatles. I couldn't stand to have the radio or a turntable interrupting during a song of theirs, it had to go until the very last note. People talking over their music was really horrible to me too. I really couldn't understand that anyone else could possibly NOT like The Beatles that was completely impossible and inconceivable to me and I thought surely that anyone saying such things must just be doing it just to be mean.
All of the above is written in the past tense because while I still do love The Beatles very much I have relaxed considerably about such things at this point in my life.
If somebody tells me "I don't like the Beatles" of the many more reasonable responses I have now (rather then having a meltdown or something) I might say something back instead like "well maybe The Beatles wouldn't like you so much either." (that's been known at times to effectively stop that sort of conversation right there).
I still tend to be very 'territorial' over The Beatles and I don't know how much that will ever subside.
The very day I was born The Beatles held 8 of the top 10 Billboard slots, the top 5 consecutively. They 'saturated the airwaves' precisely the very year and duration my mother carried me to term (even if you know nothing of The Beatles, if I gave my exact birth date here this fact would be stunningly clear). My mother said she 'was already sick of I Want to Hold Your Hand" well before I arrived (and little did she know that having me she'd be hearing it alot more for years to come).
I took my first steps in order to port myself over to my sister's toy record player and scream until she played her 45 rpm records. They were Beatles' singles.
The Beatles were 'all you heard' on the radio and when I was having my eyes patched and so many operations/eye surgeries during my early childhood until just before I was 2 years old. A transistor radio was kept in the hospital crib with me as listening to it was the only thing that calmed me. The year was 1966.
Beatles' fans (neurotypical and otherwise) often tend to equate the level of knowledge with the level of admiration/appreciation or love for/of The Beatles. I've encountered this over the years that I used to run a #Beatles and #JohnLennon chat channel on an IRC server for years.
If that be the defining factor (and I'm not so sure it is) then I have also demonstrated myself to be The World's Number 1 Beatles' fan in this manner as well, as no one so far has been able to compete with me as of yet regarding knowledge and trivia about them and their music.
When I first typed something other than a scramble of letters, it was to type lists first of Beatles' songs in order of (US) album release, then of "Beatles people" (the Beatles themselves, session players, family members, producers, etc). I was 29 days short of being 30 years old, and that event was a catalyst for all that has followed. During the course of my typing progression, along with becoming adept at dictating things spoken around me I typed the lyrics to Beatles songs either as heard while listened to or from recollection, often keeping up at or near speed as they are sang.
I am very crowd/new places/travel phobic but my love of The Beatles inspired me to do two things very out of the norm for me and that took alot of courage for me: I've attended the BeatleFests in Chicago (where I won the door prize for being the only one to give the correct and full answer to what seems to be the Ultimate Beatles' Trivia Question as I've asked many since and no one else has of yet given the full and proper answer) and I've seen Sir James Paul McCartney in concert (the only convert I've ever been to or feel I ever need go to). Going to see him and being in the same room with him just a few feet from him is one of the two biggest and best days of my life.
I have the fortunate and unique ability (which isn't surprising as its part my aural recall abilities) to cull up on demand (and to switch at will), songs complete and full (not to be confused with the fractured involuntary unfortunate bits 'stuck in their heads' that other people refer to as 'listening to songs in their heads'). In this way I can mentally listen to a song by The Beatles as they sounded originally on vinyl record albums vs the comparative 'digital remix' that is CDs and tell where the tracks channels are misplaced, what's been changed and incorrectly copied to the CD format. I suppose it helps that I have exceptional hearing "could have a career in sonics" with the alleged capacity to tell one whale dolphin or submarine from one another and the aural recall to match, plus The Beatles are decidedly and clearly a life long 'obsession; or 'fixation' or a 'perseverance' to me and one that has had a huge and helpful impact on my life in many important stages throughout.
My sister used to say I could "hear the Beatles playing at half a decimal 3 miles away" and while I think she was exaggerating to be funny, I definitely do hear them. Another thing she has said and I like to say myself is that I am like the RCA "victrola dog" who is "listening to His Master's Voice" (In particular to John Lennon's voice).
I am also the only person she says she's ever know to "headbang to the Beatles" (she is referring to the behavior of intensive rocking that usually goes with 'heavy metal music' not the literal act of banging one's head).
Droopy
(forum post end)
I've got a word or two
To say about the things that you do
You're telling all those lies
About the good things that we can have
if we close our eyes
Do what you want to do
And go where you're going to
Think for yourself
'cause I won't be there with you
I left you far behind
The ruins of the life that you had in mind
And though you still can't see
I know your mind's made up
You're gonna cause more misery
Do what you want to do
And go where you're going to
Think for yourself
'cause I won't be there with you
Although your mind's opaque
Try thinking more if just for your own sake
The future still looks good
And you've got time to rectify
All the things that you should
Do what you want to do
And go where you're going to
Think for yourself
'cause I won't be there with you
Do what you want to do
And go where you're going to
Think for yourself
'cause I won't be there with you
Think for yourself
'cause I won't be there with you
("Think For Yourself"
Harrison 1966, RubberSoul)
I'm looking through you
Where did you go
I thought I knew you
What did I know
You don't look different
But you have changed
I'm looking through you
You're not the same
Your lips are moving
I cannot hear
You voice is soothing
But the words aren't clear
You don't sound different
I've learned the game
I'm looking through you
You're not the same
Why, tell me why
Did you not treat me right
Love has a nasty habit
Of disappearing overnight
You're thinking of me
The same old way
You were above me
But not today
The only difference
Is you're down there
I'm looking though you
And you're nowhere
Why, tell me why
Did you not treat me right
Love has a nasty habit
Of disappearing overnight
I'm looking through you
Where did you go
I thought I knew you
What did I know
You don't look different
But you have changed
I'm looking through you
You're not the same
("I'm Looking Through You"
Lennon/McCartney 1966, RubberSoul)
EDIT
I don't "memorize lyrics" as I fail to see a point to doing that as what I do is simply recall for playback that which I have heard.
As it happened all of my rechargeable batteries were dead last night and as they sat recharging and my never having figured out why sound doesn't come through headphones hooked to my computer -- and seeing as it happens that this is just one of the many varied aspects of me she stakes claim to, I 'did my thing' and listened to "Rubbersoul" complete in the manner which I do -- in my head -- and from there typed these lyrics, only going back over them after to correct typos.
I then put the appropriate credit information for authorship (Harrison and Lennon/McCartney song, album and the year.
Giving credit where credit is due ironically is one attribute of mine that I would actually wish people would copy. It would certainly solve a lot of problems if they did.
Perhaps my best defense is to get my life right out here and as much as I can.
With that in mind, this was originally posted on an internet forum to which I belong.
(forum post start)
The Beatles (forum topic)
The Beatles are to me clearly the best group and creators of the best music of all time. They are also alot more than that to me.
For many years and most of my life they were the ONLY music in the world to me. I couldn't tolerate any other, any other music was an offense and an affront to me, the very worst being other people's 'cover versions' of any of The Beatles.'
I used to be very rigid and unbending about things regarding them, no one could put any non-Beatles things atop of any of my Beatles things (no other music albums or any other items could be placed over my albums or any of my Beatles' books etc) as I saw this as a huge insult to The Beatles. I couldn't stand to have the radio or a turntable interrupting during a song of theirs, it had to go until the very last note. People talking over their music was really horrible to me too. I really couldn't understand that anyone else could possibly NOT like The Beatles that was completely impossible and inconceivable to me and I thought surely that anyone saying such things must just be doing it just to be mean.
All of the above is written in the past tense because while I still do love The Beatles very much I have relaxed considerably about such things at this point in my life.
If somebody tells me "I don't like the Beatles" of the many more reasonable responses I have now (rather then having a meltdown or something) I might say something back instead like "well maybe The Beatles wouldn't like you so much either." (that's been known at times to effectively stop that sort of conversation right there).
I still tend to be very 'territorial' over The Beatles and I don't know how much that will ever subside.
The very day I was born The Beatles held 8 of the top 10 Billboard slots, the top 5 consecutively. They 'saturated the airwaves' precisely the very year and duration my mother carried me to term (even if you know nothing of The Beatles, if I gave my exact birth date here this fact would be stunningly clear). My mother said she 'was already sick of I Want to Hold Your Hand" well before I arrived (and little did she know that having me she'd be hearing it alot more for years to come).
I took my first steps in order to port myself over to my sister's toy record player and scream until she played her 45 rpm records. They were Beatles' singles.
The Beatles were 'all you heard' on the radio and when I was having my eyes patched and so many operations/eye surgeries during my early childhood until just before I was 2 years old. A transistor radio was kept in the hospital crib with me as listening to it was the only thing that calmed me. The year was 1966.
Beatles' fans (neurotypical and otherwise) often tend to equate the level of knowledge with the level of admiration/appreciation or love for/of The Beatles. I've encountered this over the years that I used to run a #Beatles and #JohnLennon chat channel on an IRC server for years.
If that be the defining factor (and I'm not so sure it is) then I have also demonstrated myself to be The World's Number 1 Beatles' fan in this manner as well, as no one so far has been able to compete with me as of yet regarding knowledge and trivia about them and their music.
When I first typed something other than a scramble of letters, it was to type lists first of Beatles' songs in order of (US) album release, then of "Beatles people" (the Beatles themselves, session players, family members, producers, etc). I was 29 days short of being 30 years old, and that event was a catalyst for all that has followed. During the course of my typing progression, along with becoming adept at dictating things spoken around me I typed the lyrics to Beatles songs either as heard while listened to or from recollection, often keeping up at or near speed as they are sang.
I am very crowd/new places/travel phobic but my love of The Beatles inspired me to do two things very out of the norm for me and that took alot of courage for me: I've attended the BeatleFests in Chicago (where I won the door prize for being the only one to give the correct and full answer to what seems to be the Ultimate Beatles' Trivia Question as I've asked many since and no one else has of yet given the full and proper answer) and I've seen Sir James Paul McCartney in concert (the only convert I've ever been to or feel I ever need go to). Going to see him and being in the same room with him just a few feet from him is one of the two biggest and best days of my life.
I have the fortunate and unique ability (which isn't surprising as its part my aural recall abilities) to cull up on demand (and to switch at will), songs complete and full (not to be confused with the fractured involuntary unfortunate bits 'stuck in their heads' that other people refer to as 'listening to songs in their heads'). In this way I can mentally listen to a song by The Beatles as they sounded originally on vinyl record albums vs the comparative 'digital remix' that is CDs and tell where the tracks channels are misplaced, what's been changed and incorrectly copied to the CD format. I suppose it helps that I have exceptional hearing "could have a career in sonics" with the alleged capacity to tell one whale dolphin or submarine from one another and the aural recall to match, plus The Beatles are decidedly and clearly a life long 'obsession; or 'fixation' or a 'perseverance' to me and one that has had a huge and helpful impact on my life in many important stages throughout.
My sister used to say I could "hear the Beatles playing at half a decimal 3 miles away" and while I think she was exaggerating to be funny, I definitely do hear them. Another thing she has said and I like to say myself is that I am like the RCA "victrola dog" who is "listening to His Master's Voice" (In particular to John Lennon's voice).
I am also the only person she says she's ever know to "headbang to the Beatles" (she is referring to the behavior of intensive rocking that usually goes with 'heavy metal music' not the literal act of banging one's head).
Droopy
(forum post end)
I've got a word or two
To say about the things that you do
You're telling all those lies
About the good things that we can have
if we close our eyes
Do what you want to do
And go where you're going to
Think for yourself
'cause I won't be there with you
I left you far behind
The ruins of the life that you had in mind
And though you still can't see
I know your mind's made up
You're gonna cause more misery
Do what you want to do
And go where you're going to
Think for yourself
'cause I won't be there with you
Although your mind's opaque
Try thinking more if just for your own sake
The future still looks good
And you've got time to rectify
All the things that you should
Do what you want to do
And go where you're going to
Think for yourself
'cause I won't be there with you
Do what you want to do
And go where you're going to
Think for yourself
'cause I won't be there with you
Think for yourself
'cause I won't be there with you
("Think For Yourself"
Harrison 1966, RubberSoul)
I'm looking through you
Where did you go
I thought I knew you
What did I know
You don't look different
But you have changed
I'm looking through you
You're not the same
Your lips are moving
I cannot hear
You voice is soothing
But the words aren't clear
You don't sound different
I've learned the game
I'm looking through you
You're not the same
Why, tell me why
Did you not treat me right
Love has a nasty habit
Of disappearing overnight
You're thinking of me
The same old way
You were above me
But not today
The only difference
Is you're down there
I'm looking though you
And you're nowhere
Why, tell me why
Did you not treat me right
Love has a nasty habit
Of disappearing overnight
I'm looking through you
Where did you go
I thought I knew you
What did I know
You don't look different
But you have changed
I'm looking through you
You're not the same
("I'm Looking Through You"
Lennon/McCartney 1966, RubberSoul)
EDIT
I don't "memorize lyrics" as I fail to see a point to doing that as what I do is simply recall for playback that which I have heard.
As it happened all of my rechargeable batteries were dead last night and as they sat recharging and my never having figured out why sound doesn't come through headphones hooked to my computer -- and seeing as it happens that this is just one of the many varied aspects of me she stakes claim to, I 'did my thing' and listened to "Rubbersoul" complete in the manner which I do -- in my head -- and from there typed these lyrics, only going back over them after to correct typos.
I then put the appropriate credit information for authorship (Harrison and Lennon/McCartney song, album and the year.
Giving credit where credit is due ironically is one attribute of mine that I would actually wish people would copy. It would certainly solve a lot of problems if they did.
* Documenting This Observation
Here is a paragraph I had at the end of my previous post:
"It wouldn't surprise me if one day this individual writes a book, becomes famous, one of those "Ambassadors of Autism" and if that book has this person's selected aspects of me in it and of course 'with this person's name and ownership.' I'll never know, if they do I'll never read it. Being autistic just isn't all that amazing to me, though evidently it sure it to some people (who will apparently do anything just to try to be it).
I have been thinking some more..
Why WOULD someone.. say a mentally capable methodical and articulate sort of person do something like I've described in my pervious post...?
Why?
The more I look at what I know of the circumstances the more the following looks like a possibility:
I believe a person may be staging an elaborate (and very well thought out and time -consuming) preparation for future monetary gain -- specifically in the form of a book.
Books by adult autistics sell really well, partially becasue there aren't too many of them and especially in this era of "Cure autism now" and "Defeat autism now" PSA and scare tactics about the 'epidemic of autism."
"It wouldn't surprise me if one day this individual writes a book, becomes famous, one of those "Ambassadors of Autism" and if that book has this person's selected aspects of me in it and of course 'with this person's name and ownership.' I'll never know, if they do I'll never read it. Being autistic just isn't all that amazing to me, though evidently it sure it to some people (who will apparently do anything just to try to be it).
I have been thinking some more..
Why WOULD someone.. say a mentally capable methodical and articulate sort of person do something like I've described in my pervious post...?
Why?
The more I look at what I know of the circumstances the more the following looks like a possibility:
I believe a person may be staging an elaborate (and very well thought out and time -consuming) preparation for future monetary gain -- specifically in the form of a book.
Books by adult autistics sell really well, partially becasue there aren't too many of them and especially in this era of "Cure autism now" and "Defeat autism now" PSA and scare tactics about the 'epidemic of autism."
Sunday, December 03, 2006
* Resemblence of other persons to me is purely NOT coincidental
There is a very word-capable and very slick and savvy individual on the Internet who's evidently for some time prior to my being aware of their existence, been aware of mine and has been procuring various bits of data/info about me as they could from various sources (people who knew me and interacted with me even many years before that this person has since met etc) on the Internet for however long they've been online and doing this, of the 12 years that I have online.
This person is unabashedly using whatever of aspects of me they find to their liking of my own life's experiences, my abilities, etc as they see fit and finds desirous and claims them for their very own, as if they are theirs, happened to this person, etc.
Its very disturbing, and its done in a very convincing manner, (so much so that I was listening to smooth-talking explanations and going along with this to the best of my ability and trying to accept seeing substantial aspects of me and my life parroted back to me as actual and true and legitimate, just as this person insisted it was/is).
I only learned of this person's existence a relatively short time ago. I was so thrilled to find what I thought was someone like me, a person with Kanner's autism who was online, the idea that there really was another person and I was actually not alone out here, that I wholeheartedly and excitedly embraced this person as a friend and vowed to myself to make this friendship work, no matter what.
"No matter what" ended up including whatever soothing global explanations this person gave for why I was seeing major parts of my life parroted back to me and in increasing doses as we went along, and how my reaction to it is 'my problem' especially given as I've had more minor peculiar behaviors from others (mentally unbalanced but usually considerably more intellectually impaired, as this person is very bright). I listened and allowed this person to make me feel ridiculous for my natural response at each increasing encroachment into my very personal existence.
I thought I had a friend, I thought I had actually met 'someone like me" as far as having Kanner's Syndrome Autism. I tried very hard to work around this rather blatant and creepy identity-theft in my desire to get along and my ache for this person to be real. I wanted that badly just to not be alone out here.
It angers and upsets and scares me, but most of all it really hurts.
If my being autistic actually has anything to do with this (besides being the attraction that drew this situation), maybe its that I am at a real disadvantage to defend myself against or deal with a thing like this, possibly due to actually being autistic (or then again, maybe most people would just not be well-equipped against this sort of thing and its not 'just me' who knows?).
This person is exceptional at using words so they can sway and convince, very convincing with things like YouTube efforts, and this person has directly threatened to be even more exacting in their imitation of me on their own web page as well as on YouTube in the future.
I've only been at YouTube myself for about a week and ironically I'm even there because this 'friend' inspired me with their 'chutzpah' and 'bravery' at being there already). Why couldn't this person have been real? And if not, then why couldn't they have at least curbed the urge to try to assimilate MY life into their massive story at least when dealing directly with me? Who IS this person even? Now I have to wonder: where ANY parts of this person not directly procured from me come from. Is this person real at all?.. Were they real at all or were the 'non-me' parts just snatches of other people, collected from like unsuspecting-but-interesting autistic targets? I feel sad, because I'm thinking the entire thing, the entire person, 'documents' and all, this was just one hugely extravagant 'work.' This person is good at what they do. This person made me believe they have the same disability I do. That's not easy to accomplish.
Given this was taking place long before this person was on my radar (but I was clearly on theirs) I don't see ignoring them as motivating them to stop, and also because this person has repeatedly indicated and quite clearly along with the justifications, that they will not stop. I am severing any contact I have with this person.
At least I don't have to watch. I can reduce the impact this has on me that way at least. I will still know now that there is this person out there doing this thing regardless of what I do, and it will bother me, and I wish like anything I could go back and "unknow' this person and what they are doing. In time this direct encounter, the whole sharp jab of it all, will subside, and become something more tolerable when this is thought of (which it will be thought of less as time goes on too). I'll survive, *and* when I do, I will still be me, the one and only me.
Goodbye to you, Imposter Person -- "see ya wouldn't wanna be ya" (Too bad the feeling isn't mutual!)
EDIT - for someone who 'isn't stalking' and is leaving me alone, its interesting to note that she's gone out of her way to link her page to mine. Regarding emailing and contact, she offered up an agreement to me in email (complete with more insistence at what she does) when I responded that I thought the idea (basically keeping personal matters out of our dialogues that the matter would be dropped, and having a relationship strictly for 'public/business' reasons), she about faced and sent me two enraged emails. I glanced at the first, discarded the second and replied that she needn't ever contact me again under any circumstances, and to point blank GO AWAY (that being the topic of the email to her second email (unopened by me). How can I possibly get any clearer than that?
I also find it not surprising that she's written as if this were about just two general topics (Beatles and typewriters) rather than the full scope and plethora of exacting aspects of my life she's been all too eager to pull her 'me too" carbon copy commandeering on. She's done a 'nice job' of entirely rewriting and basically omitting the issue and facts. Her friend and neighbor had already illegally copyrighted something I wrote without my knowledge or permission. At the time though it was upsetting I settled for an acknowledgment of my authorship being added to the page, rather than a full-blown copyright battle. I'm regretting that now and wondering if that's part of what's set the stage for the brazen attempts to plagiarize my life now. Just goes to snow what kind of people these are.
I have absolutely no idea whatsoever where she's even dreamt up things like 'being short constitutes being impostor.' That sort of thing is just par for the course in her extreme maladaptation of what she's actually indicated to me elsewhere. If the situation were as she expressed in her 'rebuttal,' of course there would be, of course, no problem. What she has posted is ridiculous and not at all what's been taken place, not the issue nor was it ever.
Perhaps a good thing to come of this page-linking she's done is that if she does attempt any of further of the blatant infringements exacting copies of my life that actually are the issue, now she herself has drawn notice to those very acts.
(UPDATE - her little 'commentary' as well as her links to my blog have been removed)
PS, and no, people with autism are not cut of the same cloth and yes, we are obviously quite unique from one another, just as are any other individuals, I shouldn't think anything so obvious could even be up for debate. Just because she's managed to latch onto and emulated and claimed some aspects of each autistic she's ever encountered, this hardly stands as evidence of our 'being not unique. It is only indicative of her particular problem (assemblage of a personality built from bits of others) and reflects only her lack of even the most basic understanding of people with autism. Just because she's actively assimilating us into her borg in her world doesn't mean we are. I'm also not the only one who's observed and/or experienced this "I've had every experience anyone has ever had' type of behavior and response from her, or to have found it very creepy, repelling and very suspect.
This person is unabashedly using whatever of aspects of me they find to their liking of my own life's experiences, my abilities, etc as they see fit and finds desirous and claims them for their very own, as if they are theirs, happened to this person, etc.
Its very disturbing, and its done in a very convincing manner, (so much so that I was listening to smooth-talking explanations and going along with this to the best of my ability and trying to accept seeing substantial aspects of me and my life parroted back to me as actual and true and legitimate, just as this person insisted it was/is).
I only learned of this person's existence a relatively short time ago. I was so thrilled to find what I thought was someone like me, a person with Kanner's autism who was online, the idea that there really was another person and I was actually not alone out here, that I wholeheartedly and excitedly embraced this person as a friend and vowed to myself to make this friendship work, no matter what.
"No matter what" ended up including whatever soothing global explanations this person gave for why I was seeing major parts of my life parroted back to me and in increasing doses as we went along, and how my reaction to it is 'my problem' especially given as I've had more minor peculiar behaviors from others (mentally unbalanced but usually considerably more intellectually impaired, as this person is very bright). I listened and allowed this person to make me feel ridiculous for my natural response at each increasing encroachment into my very personal existence.
I thought I had a friend, I thought I had actually met 'someone like me" as far as having Kanner's Syndrome Autism. I tried very hard to work around this rather blatant and creepy identity-theft in my desire to get along and my ache for this person to be real. I wanted that badly just to not be alone out here.
It angers and upsets and scares me, but most of all it really hurts.
If my being autistic actually has anything to do with this (besides being the attraction that drew this situation), maybe its that I am at a real disadvantage to defend myself against or deal with a thing like this, possibly due to actually being autistic (or then again, maybe most people would just not be well-equipped against this sort of thing and its not 'just me' who knows?).
This person is exceptional at using words so they can sway and convince, very convincing with things like YouTube efforts, and this person has directly threatened to be even more exacting in their imitation of me on their own web page as well as on YouTube in the future.
I've only been at YouTube myself for about a week and ironically I'm even there because this 'friend' inspired me with their 'chutzpah' and 'bravery' at being there already). Why couldn't this person have been real? And if not, then why couldn't they have at least curbed the urge to try to assimilate MY life into their massive story at least when dealing directly with me? Who IS this person even? Now I have to wonder: where ANY parts of this person not directly procured from me come from. Is this person real at all?.. Were they real at all or were the 'non-me' parts just snatches of other people, collected from like unsuspecting-but-interesting autistic targets? I feel sad, because I'm thinking the entire thing, the entire person, 'documents' and all, this was just one hugely extravagant 'work.' This person is good at what they do. This person made me believe they have the same disability I do. That's not easy to accomplish.
Given this was taking place long before this person was on my radar (but I was clearly on theirs) I don't see ignoring them as motivating them to stop, and also because this person has repeatedly indicated and quite clearly along with the justifications, that they will not stop. I am severing any contact I have with this person.
At least I don't have to watch. I can reduce the impact this has on me that way at least. I will still know now that there is this person out there doing this thing regardless of what I do, and it will bother me, and I wish like anything I could go back and "unknow' this person and what they are doing. In time this direct encounter, the whole sharp jab of it all, will subside, and become something more tolerable when this is thought of (which it will be thought of less as time goes on too). I'll survive, *and* when I do, I will still be me, the one and only me.
Goodbye to you, Imposter Person -- "see ya wouldn't wanna be ya" (Too bad the feeling isn't mutual!)
EDIT - for someone who 'isn't stalking' and is leaving me alone, its interesting to note that she's gone out of her way to link her page to mine. Regarding emailing and contact, she offered up an agreement to me in email (complete with more insistence at what she does) when I responded that I thought the idea (basically keeping personal matters out of our dialogues that the matter would be dropped, and having a relationship strictly for 'public/business' reasons), she about faced and sent me two enraged emails. I glanced at the first, discarded the second and replied that she needn't ever contact me again under any circumstances, and to point blank GO AWAY (that being the topic of the email to her second email (unopened by me). How can I possibly get any clearer than that?
I also find it not surprising that she's written as if this were about just two general topics (Beatles and typewriters) rather than the full scope and plethora of exacting aspects of my life she's been all too eager to pull her 'me too" carbon copy commandeering on. She's done a 'nice job' of entirely rewriting and basically omitting the issue and facts. Her friend and neighbor had already illegally copyrighted something I wrote without my knowledge or permission. At the time though it was upsetting I settled for an acknowledgment of my authorship being added to the page, rather than a full-blown copyright battle. I'm regretting that now and wondering if that's part of what's set the stage for the brazen attempts to plagiarize my life now. Just goes to snow what kind of people these are.
I have absolutely no idea whatsoever where she's even dreamt up things like 'being short constitutes being impostor.' That sort of thing is just par for the course in her extreme maladaptation of what she's actually indicated to me elsewhere. If the situation were as she expressed in her 'rebuttal,' of course there would be, of course, no problem. What she has posted is ridiculous and not at all what's been taken place, not the issue nor was it ever.
Perhaps a good thing to come of this page-linking she's done is that if she does attempt any of further of the blatant infringements exacting copies of my life that actually are the issue, now she herself has drawn notice to those very acts.
(UPDATE - her little 'commentary' as well as her links to my blog have been removed)
PS, and no, people with autism are not cut of the same cloth and yes, we are obviously quite unique from one another, just as are any other individuals, I shouldn't think anything so obvious could even be up for debate. Just because she's managed to latch onto and emulated and claimed some aspects of each autistic she's ever encountered, this hardly stands as evidence of our 'being not unique. It is only indicative of her particular problem (assemblage of a personality built from bits of others) and reflects only her lack of even the most basic understanding of people with autism. Just because she's actively assimilating us into her borg in her world doesn't mean we are. I'm also not the only one who's observed and/or experienced this "I've had every experience anyone has ever had' type of behavior and response from her, or to have found it very creepy, repelling and very suspect.
